


Wishes~

by FeliciaAmelloides



Series: A Oneshot a Day... [123]
Category: NTverse
Genre: Badly Written, Crack, Don’t read it’s really awful, F/M, M/M, Modern AU, Multi, Swearing, alcohol use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 19:21:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14527416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeliciaAmelloides/pseuds/FeliciaAmelloides
Summary: An attempt to summon Satan goes horribly wrong, leading to a genie of sorts running around granting wishes.Crack. Obviously.





	Wishes~

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t really describe this. Not proud of it, but oh well.
> 
> Starts off okay, goes downhill from there.
> 
> ~

“This,” The curly-haired brunet sitting with his legs crossed at the metaphorical head of the circle declared, “Is a seance.” His best friend, sitting next to him as always, exploded into laughter while his love interest, the dark-haired psychopath sitting opposite him (definitely not rigged at all), scoffed.

“This,” He gestured to the group of boys in the circle, “Is a group of drunken teenagers trying to summon Satan who will most likely give up and go back to playing Spin the Bottle in about five minutes.” The brunet, Maurice, gave him an exaggerated offended look, even going as far as to place his hands on his chest as if fatally wounded by the accusation.

“Don’t shoot me into the river, Roger!” He screamed obnoxiously loudly. Everyone else was too drunk to care that that made no sense whatsoever, and the three people who weren’t drunk at all decided not to comment on it. 

“C’mon, let’s summon Beelziebob already!” Bill, the aforementioned ‘best friend’, shouted as he waved an empty beer bottle in the air. From across the circle a fiery redhead gave him an irritable look.

“Beelzebub. And there’s no way this is gonna work.” Jack very unironically drank from a bottle of Jack Daniels, something many people had made puns about already. Directly opposite him was his love interest, a somewhat cute, way too uptight blond known to some as Ralph and others as Golden Boy. People had also made puns about that nickname. Yes, they were the same people who made puns about Jack and his taste in whiskey. And it was actually only two people. Maurice and some girl no one knew very well but somehow managed to end up in every party they were at. When they consulted the smartest person there, known only as Piggy, he told them she was a Mary Sue self-insert OC that most of their female fans possessed.

“Let’s just get on with this already. I could totally be Netflix and Chillin’ with Simon right now.” Ralph whined from where he sat. He was only a little drunk according to him, but actually he couldn’t hold his alcohol at all and was probably going to faint within the next three minutes. Simon, sat next to him and actually not drunk, gave the others a mildly condescending look which seemed to be the closest to irritated he could physically get.

“Yeah! There’s a new episode of Gotham out. And Riverdale. I also wanna rewatch The Breakfast Club. If we stay up late, we can probably see them all. That’s... about four/five hours, right?” He looked up at Ralph quizzically, only becoming more confused when he realised that everyone around him (except Piggy and Roger, both sober and also incapable of enjoying sexual humour- in Roger’s case, any humour at all) was laughing hysterically at his naivety.

“Si, I wasn’t talking about staying up all night watching Netflix.” Ralph looked like he was about to clarify, but Maurice suddenly started playing a dank meme mashup at max volume on his phone until everyone screamed at him to stop.

“Finally, y’all have stopped pestering Si. ANYWAY. It is time. We’re gonna summon Satan now in the way my kind of father-figure kind of bestie kind of love interest told me, and then we’re gonna make her grant us wishes.” Bill cheered again, as did Robert and Jack. Roger’s glare didn’t fade. How the only emotions he could show were mild arousal, apathy and anger no one really knew. The strangest part was that he could and had shown all three at once.

“How can one person be your father, best friend and love interest all at once? That’s pretty fucked up.” Maurice screeched with embarrassment and threw a lit Egyptian Musk Yankee candle into the centre of the circle, which immediately lit up into a blue pentacle. Everyone gazed upon it in awe.

“He is _not_ my father first of all! He’s a father _figure_. Y’know, like a mom friend? And people fall in love with their best friends all the time. Si, you’d know about that right?” 

“Hm? Ralph wasn’t my best friend before we got together.” Ralph didn’t seem to agree with that, but Maurice cut him off yet again.

“I MEANT ON NETFLIX! You literally just named two shows where people fall in love with their best friends.” 

“Betty was in love with Archie before the show started, and Penguin’s a sociopath so he doesn’t count.” He answered bluntly.

“ _Actually_ , Betty falls for Archie again after breaking up with Jug, plus Archie and Veronica were arguably best friends before they started hooking up. As for Gotham, sociopaths totally can fall in love. Plus Oz only has sociopathic _tendencies_. He’s shown guilt and remorse before, and he proved his love for Ed was genuine in ‘The Gentle Art Of Making Enemies’, Season 3 Episode 14. So yeah, he does count.” That was Jack. Ralph raised an eyebrow at him.

“Since when did you watch Riverdale?” Bill sniggered despite being a die-hard fan. He was kinda just an asshole on the sidelines. Roger had another point.

“And the only episode of Gotham you’ve seen is Season 3 Episode 14. You skipped all the parts with Jerome too.” Jack glared at them both.

“I watch Riverdale whenever I’m at my imaginary girlfriend’s, dick. And that’s the only episode of Gotham I give a fuck about. That show is stupid.”

“Your imaginary girlfriend has a dick? And you watch Riverdale on it?” Maurice asked with a fake tone of innocence. Jack’s face went redder than his hair.

“What? No! I meant her _house_! Her house goddamnit!” 

“Wouldn’t be surprised if she’s fucked you with her dick before. Bet you were imagining she was Ralph the whole time too.” Roger actually smirked as he said that. Torture always made him happy. Maurice’s eyes lit up at the adorable expression.

“Shut the fuck up!” Jack launched himself at him and the circle broke up as they fought within it. Carnage ensued before suddenly a blinding flash emerged from the flaming pentacle alongside a force which knocked them all back against the walls.

There, in the centre of the circle, was a floating, glowing blue crystal.

Silence descended upon the room. 

Everyone stared at the mysterious object with a mixture of emotions and thoughts flowing through their heads. Then, to everyone’s surprise, it was actually Jack who stepped up to communicate with the crystal.

“What are you doing here?” The crystal continued to float, “Come on. Did Luci send you instead of turning up herself?” The crystal pouted.

“Hey! I chose to come here y’know! That’s so mean... And Luci can’t grant wishes. You should have summoned me instead.” Jack smiled and broke the already broken circle to approach the crystal. Her voice was oddly high-pitched and feminine, and her accent was hard to pinpoint. It sounded American, but not quite.

“It’s good to see you.” His smile grew warmer as she returned it easily. Not that she has a face, but still...

“Okay, hold up. Who the hell is that?” Maurice asked from where he was still pressed up against the wall. The crystal turned to him with a grin.

“Well, I’m the aforementioned imaginary girlfriend of course! Oh, but seriously, you probably know me as Chrystie. Did NT tell you about me? I hope he did!~” everyone else was kinda done with this plotline, but apparently the two people who knew Chrystie were not.

“Oh yeah, I’ve heard of you. You’re some omnipotent pseudo-goddess who shapeshifts into a crystal to reference stuff, right?” Most self-righteous crystal goddesses would be rather offended by that comment. But Chrystie just shrugged nonchalantly.

“Eh. Pretty much. Anywho, you want some wishes granted? I’ll give you one each I guess. Multiversal laws or some shit. Choose wisely.” She grinned mischievously and the boys gathered round her in excitement.

“This is rigged, isn’t it?” Jack calmly asked her.

“Yep!” She excitedly beamed, watching as they made their wishes. 

When everyone had wished, she drew their wishes out of a hat by magically turning them in shiny blue sparkles. Each time she drew a sparkle from the hat, she granted a wish. Those were the rules she created just now. So everyone waited in anxious anticipation for their wish to be granted.

“Mm’kay... Number One! _I wish the world was at peace._ Aw, that’s cute. Granted!” There was a great rumbling and all of a sudden the entire world teleported into what appeared to be an inter dimensional parking lot, “This is Peace. It’s a parking lot for planets. We’ll have to leave in, like, an hour though, Mm’kay? Parking is hella expensive in this dimension.” 

“Wait, I thought you’d bring world peace from that?” Simon piped up, frowning at the glowing crystal. She smirked.

“Even if that wasn’t against multiversal laws, I’m allowed to interpret your wishes however I want. You asked for world to be at Peace, so here it is. At Peace. For an hour.” Before anyone else could protest, she drew out another sparkle.

_Plz mak Roger b in love w/ me xd_

“Kawaii! But weeaboo-ness aside, I can make that happen.” Chrystie smiled politely at Maurice and then clicked her non-existent fingers. Nothing happened. Maurice told her as much.

“Yeah it did.”

“What did?” Everyone else watched curiously, Bill holding his typical apathetic expression.

“I changed their names.”

“ _What_?” 

“I CHANGED THEIR NAMES. As in, Bill is now called Roger and Roger is now called Bill. So there ya go. _Roger_ is in love with you. And Bill? Well, sorry hun but even if sociopaths can fall in love I’m pretty sure sadistic psychopaths can not. At least not in the sense you wished for anyway. Now go make some Billrice- I mean Rogice- happen baby!” 

Fuck.

Oh well, thank god this is a crack fic.

 _Give me a million dollars._ She smiled smugly despite being a crystal, and flicked her non-existent hand again. Immediately a single tiny chewy sweet fell from the ground. 

“I’ve never been called ‘dollars’ before, but I like it. Jackie dear, that’s my new nickname, okay?” Roger shrugged casually and ate the sweet. Seems like he was expecting things. He was hoping everyone was too drunk to realise the crystal had both outed him and revealed his love for his best friend. Bill seemed pretty pissed on the other side of the room. Maybe because Maurice wasted a wish on him. Yeah, that was probably it. He sighed, wishing that one-sided love didn’t exist.

“Whatever you want El. But seriously, aren’t you being a little too harsh?” Jack answered the crystal calmly from where he stood. His wish hadn’t been read yet, so he was okay. Chrystie gave him an awesome deadpan stare. 

“No.” 

The next wish.

_I wish my parents were still together and happy._

“Ooh...” Chrystie winced at that one, trying to figure out how to turn it on its head. Nope. She was way too guilty to do that, considering she wanted the same thing. Smiling kindly yet sadly at Ralph, she nodded and then shook her head.

“I’m afraid you can’t have both things at once Ralphie. They cancel out, so I can’t grant your wish.” He nodded with a sigh, not really surprised. Everyone was silent again as they watched him, but he ignored them and tried not to let the shame bring tears to his eyes.

_I want to be cool._

“Mm’kay!” Chrystie winked slyly and all of a sudden Piggy was arguably pretty... well, pretty. His hair became more defined and kinda spiked, his eyes were a cool blue and his smile was hella cute. A dark outfit with accompanying dark gloves appeared on his now somewhat slim body. Jack burst into laughter upon seeing it.

“Cool, huh?”

“Yup. Y’reckon I should have gone for Nygma instead?”

“Yes.” Chrystie just laughed and moved onto the next wish. Then she looked back at Piggy. Holy shit.

She clicked her non-existent fingers and he was just himself inside an ice cube. Perfecto.

Now Piggy, Maurice, Roger, Ralph and Simon had wished, there were only two people left (Robert stubbornly refused to wish and everyone else wasn’t invited to). Bill’s wish came (honhonhon) next.

_Kenny’s death in Season 22._

“Interesting choice. All in good time, my dear! All in good time.”

“Referencing?” Bill clearly already knew who Chrystie was, but hadn’t told anyone before. The dark-haired psychopath watched her with an apathetic stare as she grinned at him, already hella confused by the fact that his name and Roger’s had been swapped over despite the fact that she was the one who did it.

“No, but the ‘dear’ bit was a mini ref.” He nodded and she began to hum S & M as it became time for the final wish...

_Kyman. Penygma. Panlie._

“OH MY FUCKING MICHAEL YES!” She screeched aggressively, grinning with a manic stare at the wish. Jack smirked at her from his side of the room. She had already granted his wish in alternate universes, but unfortunately all three ships mentioned were one-sided semi-non-canon, so fuck...

Also, the first two had rival ships involving the designated uke and the last had a few incestuous rivals but was so close to being canon no one really cared anymore.

Wishes.

Chrystie exploded into a million shiny blue shards, and the entire crack fic was erased from history...

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been watching WAY too much Gotham lately. Also, sorry that this exists.
> 
> Prompt- Be careful what you wish for type thing.
> 
> Original Number- 334.


End file.
